The headline says:
A New York dad refused to let his 21-year-old son back in their house after the spring breaker partied in Texas amid coronavirus spread
GOOD. That is an example of a parent holding a nearly adult son accountable for his actions. Regardless of the son's age, his lack of responsible behavior is a clear indication that he is not yet a fully functional adult. The son should absolutely NOT be allowed to recklessly endanger the lives of his own family, and thank God the father is smart enough to know this and stand by his convictions.
Mr. Levine was at least able to be in touch with his son, Matt, daily, and used that time to try to convince his son to do the right thing, but the son refused. Many years ago, when my younger son was just 19, he also liked to spend time with his friends as it suited him, not always calling home, and not always answering his phone. I knew my son was planning to to to his father's house over the summer to either visit or live, and I sent my son a message that I wanted to see him first. I had locked him out of my new, yet unoccupied house, knowing he had left a backpack of personal items he valued. I told him when I would be available to let him in to my house (we were still actually living in another location), see him, and speak with him before he left the area. My son decided to break into my house, get his stuff, and meet up with his father. When I saw where my ex was having breakfast with our other kids as part of his visitation, I went in, in case I could see my younger son. He was there, and I asked him to come outside with me so we could talk and clear the air. He was rude, and his father took his side without having all the facts.
My younger son and I did manage to come to terms and move on. I did not think much of the incident except that it illustrated what I saw as my ex's shortcomings and my son's immaturity. Imagine my shock when this incident was brought up recently in Family Court, and was used as one of the ways I was to be considered an unfit mother. My expectation that my children would grow up to be responsible and TAKE responsibility, added to my willingness to risk their displeasure was used to build a case against me, and cost me custody of my youngest child who just turned 13.
Yes, there is at least ONE Family Court judge in New York State who would likely side with Mr. Levine's son if the son decided to sue his father. It was revealed to me in court, as my ex testified against me, that my younger son, who has been in the Army for several years, is (or at least as of January, was) stationed in Iraq. My ex feels it is perfectly acceptable that he would know about that and not keep me up to date. And the judge used THAT against me also- that even after a few years of a fairly typical relationship with a son living far away, an estrangement that came about was used to batter me in the judge's decision.
My inability to maintain a close and ALWAYS HAPPY AND ACCEPTABLE TO MY SON relationship was held up as a reason to no longer have custody of my daughter- and yes, it was mentioned in Court that losing custody of my daughter, and sending her to her father was the only way the Judge felt that I could ever manage to have a future relationship with HER- The judge sees my ex as a savior who will provide the best care for my daughter, and somehow, by limiting my visitation (VISITATION??!!) to once a month, my ex is believed to be the only chance I have of a continuing, positive relationship with her. . .
I have often said that I was the strict parent. I did not expect being a mother to be a popularity contest. I expected my kids to occasionally be angry with me. And since my ex dumped us in a filthy divorce, I have spent years trying to rationalize the situation by figuring that at least his permissiveness was limited to visitation. I could still spend my time, with both my sons and my daughter, teaching them how to be adults.
In the nearly 13 years since, I worked to see my sons through high school, and my daughter through her infancy and into early adolescence. I have worked to ensure that when they were in my custody, they were housed, fed, educated, and raised properly. I did this by living my values. I did this by accepting the generous support of family for years in terms of moral support and part time work, during which my mother watched my then baby girl. I did this by filling out forms to allow my sons free lunches at their new schools, one school being my ex's alma mater, where once upon a time, my ex had complained bitterly about the embarrassment of getting free or reduced lunches. I did this by remaining in an area where I could afford to live on my low income, and use child support to fill the gaps.
And what I did allowed my elder son to get his associates degree with no student loan debt after the Recession- no small task. He earned scholarships sufficient to cover all expenses. My younger son earned the same opportunity but decided after a year of college to leave the area to be with his father and eventually join the Army. All of this was presented in court as reason for me to be declared unfit, and IT WORKED.
So much was dredged up to try to justify this custody petition, which was primarily predicated on the fact that my daughter's school had recommended she get a diagnostic assessment to allow her 504 Plan to be converted to an IEP. My efforts to get clarity and information about what the 504 was supposed to allow, relative to what actually was happening initially, was depicted as a REFUSAL to see to what was portrayed as an urgent need for intense intervention- despite documentation from the school that she was making progress and that my concerns, as outlined in great detail, were stated in writing, and received by the school guidance counselor as "valid concerns." The fact that I did not ignore the failings of the 504 implementation prior to seeking an IEP was seen BY THE JUDGE as proof of my negligence. After the first hearing back in August of 2019, the judge actually ordered us to follow ALL SCHOOL RECOMMENDATIONS, even if NY State parental protections allow for parents to offer, refuse, or withdraw consent for services at any time.
I wish Mr. Levine the very best of luck in these worrisome times. I hope he and his parents remain healthy, and that his son does, also. And I hope that his son, Matt, grows up enough to see the error in his judgment, an enter adulthood better prepared than if his father had given in and let him potentially bring a deadly virus into the very heart of his family.
